Everyone at some stage has probably posed the question “what would Rock Star X be like if they were still alive?” Well, they’re rock stars, and if they died in a pool of their own vomit, there’s a good chance they lived the rest of their life in a pool of vomit too. We’ve taken a look into our crystal-meth ball and the revelations are pretty much as you’d expect…
Jim Morrison – A sleazy old cabaret singer fronting The Kenny Rogers Doors Experience, racking up a record 27 years residency at the Steaming Clam Casino in Clarksville, Tennessee, before his arrest for Gary Glitter-style indiscretions.
Jimi Hendrix – Exactly as he was. Just greyer. His face bears the scars of seventeen accidental guitar fires. Has had some ventures into experimental jazz fusion through his collaborations with…
Frank Zappa – Like Jimi, stayed true to his mission, releasing 35 albums in 15 years plus scoring the soundtrack to Rambo vs The Jazz Singer 4: Diamond’s Revenge.
John Lennon – The infamous recluse was last seen disappearing up his own ass in 2001. His album Songs of Love and Hope and other Really Nice Stuff that will Never Happen album resulted in a victorious lawsuit against George Harrison…
George Harrison – Destitute after losing the lawsuit to Lennon, having paid out $2500 for plagiarism on his album Songs of Love and Hope and other Really Nice Stuff that Actually Happened to Me. Often sighted at London’s Speaker’s Corner, not saying a word.
Phil Lynott (Thin Lizzy) – Alcoholic who owns a caravan park in Bournemouth which he runs with his 6th wife, who has cancer. Still rocking the big hair and mo, which tends to frighten small kiddies staying at the park. Often mistaken for Jimi Hendrix.
Nico (The Velvet Underground) – Works as a customer service clerk at the front desk of her local Social Security office.
David Bowie – Has a lot of explaining to do. “Yeah sorry everyone, I didn’t actually die, it was a publicity stunt for my new album and it just got terribly out of hand, yeah? But thanks for buying my album…”
Karen Carpenter – The incumbent First Lady Karen Clinton-Trump.
Janis Joplin – After becoming mute in 1979, Janis got clean for 25 years but died in a bizarre accident when she tripped over her daughter’s white rabbit, Jimi, and fell down the stairs. No one heard her scream.
Amy Winehouse – Still a mess.
Rick James – Playing the lead role in the West End musical ‘Whoopi”.
Marc Bolan (T-Rex) – A renowned fashion designer who has his own range of toiletries for the “glam man”.
Kurt Cobain: Nirvana are now the Foo Fighters after Dave Grohl claimed legal ownership of the band and other things that might make him cool. The guy from Bush took over from Chris Cornell on vocals after his short-lived stint ended with Kurt attempting to punch Chris but missing wildly and falling into a vat of pseudoephedrine. Rumoured to have stolen the identity and wardrobe of former wife Courtney Love-Trump after her mysterious disappearance in 2005.
That guy from Blind Melon – Writes jingles for Mr Whippy franchises.
Leonard Cohen – Undergoing tests to determine whether he’s dead or the walking dead.
The Ramones – All members still alive, the band now a 9-piece with five guitarists and two drummers. Founded a vegan leather jacket company estimated to have saved over 2000 cows from the band’s wardrobe alone.
Elvis – Under house arrest for the late-night robbery of the Chattanooga 7-Eleven, where he made off with four Snickers, ten bags of BBQ crisps, two tubs of choc ripple ice cream and the complete pie warming oven.