You know that ‘the movies™’ are just an usher for predictive programming, and everything that happens in them eventually comes true, right? So why can’t I be cast in The Time Machine? Coz this here dimension sucks. But where would I go? The future, to see how this shit show ends, or doesn’t, more likely? Where the technology is so advanced that we’re all having sex with robots and are told that we’re actually enjoying it, despite getting impaled by a 12″ steel prong? No thanks, technology is already fucking me hard enough.

No, I’d rather go backwards, thank you very much. Now, I don’t know how this time travel thing really works, Back To The Future would have me believe that I’d know I was in another year and I’d be the same age as I am now. That could be cool, hitting up Woodstock or warning Meredith Hunter to get the fuck away from the Hell’s Angels. And to hell with fucking up the future by doing so. But preferably we’d just re-live our former lives in the same way and things would be exactly the same as they were then.

That’d do me. Same friends, same parties, same good times, actually liking the people I’m surrounded by and being able to do what we please. Sweating all over each other in the pit, fucking up our eardrums and living the punk attitude we are void of now. Riding bikes without suspension or anything battery powered except for an Avocet speedo (because even calling it a computer seems too futuristic). Skinning our knees in the day and drinking and smoking into a blissful state at night. Sleeping in a cul-de-sac in a Kombi van.

Someone, something, please give me that ability, to teleport or morph or whatever it’s called, to go back to the 80s and 90s, shit yeah I could do another two decades if they were those two. Or, if I could be older, the 60s and 70s, when I could have great hair. But I can’t even contemplate another two years in this nightmare with the zombies walking around here now, and the ones telling y’all to keep fearing every fucking thing, every fucking one. You don’t scare me, you just make me sick. If you’re passing through from another dimension and on your way back, come by and pick me up. I’ll bring out something for the trip.