The end is nigh. It’s always been nigh, or nighabouts. But more nigh since 2020, when the world was duped to do as you’re told, or else… Some of us survived that attempt, others were not so lucky, and still aren’t. During that time we were threatened to be hunted down, put in camps, and were separated into two classes on the basis of whether we swallowed the bait or not. None of that swayed some of us, and none of us now regret not swallowing. Jobs, and ‘friendships’ aren’t worth your life, your morals, your very existence. But it did make us stronger, and it did make us better prepared for when the next round of mental warfare is rolled out again.

A ginger weasel doesn’t scare me, but when his rather unthreatening but real threats were made, I got to thinking. Thinking of defence, thinking of attack (the best form of defence), thinking of how to escape the rabid minions. An E-bike just wouldn’t cut it… you see, those are designed to fail, as is anything rechargeable. (There is an old saying “If it’s got tits or wheels, it’s gonna give you trouble” which I now have updated to “if it’s got tits or a battery, it’s gonna give you trouble”, which has proven itself time and again. The battery part anyway, get the right tits and you’re gonna be better off.) If you’re escaping under cover of darkness, sure, an E-bike might get you into the undergrowth faster, but then when you’re in the thick of it and it’s rocky, twisty, muddy, and your battery runs out, well now you’re on foot. Try lugging that 35kg monster with a flat battery, you may as well just surrender. What is required is dependability, and nothing’s more dependable that a steel hardtail from the 90s. They’ve usually survived a few apocalypses already.

This is how I found the perfect Apocalypse bike––or as I coined during the first round of the self-imprisonment test, GAV (Gulag Absconsion Vehicle)––on TradeMe. Singlespeed, flogged rims worn almost completely through the braking tracks, busted seatpost and ripped seat with bent rails, and the longest, highest stem and bar ends this side of a hybrid. 75 bucks. On the upside, it had a new rear V-brake, and a DMR tensioner. I fitted the brakes to a friend’s daughter’s bike that needed one, and sold the tensioner for $30. The RaceFace Prodigy cranks and BB were fine, so I de-anodized the cranks and greased up the BB. The bar ends also got de-ano’d and will get sold when I get around to it. All in all a good cheap deal, and ably funding the resistance.

Not its first incarnation as a mountain bike here, I’d ridden it on some old-school 4WD/moto trails with GravelKing tyres, and it was a blast! Later I picked up the Crossmax wheels and fizik saddle on a KHS Alite which I rebuilt for my mate’s son. I’d owned and loved Panaracer’s Fire XC Pro tyres in the late 90s, with the iconic red sidewalls, so had to give them another go. They’re still a grippy tread, and while 2.1 is almost a road tyre width these days, it only proves that whatever you have is going to be fun. Maybe more so, as skills come into play more than just blasting through stuff and letting the suspension and voluminous rubber do the work for you.

Messing around with the tyres, I tried a mix-n-match of the red and the black. It didn’t work. That’s a meaty 2.3 Panaracer Cedric Gracia up front, and it made a big difference to the steering and grip, while adding the only thing resembling suspension to the front end.

Black on black always works. The original Gen 1 Crossmax wheels are now on their way to a Cannondale Killer V build up north. Those sweet Avid Arch Rival brakes are probably the best ‘V’ brakes made, and with the Ceramic braking surface of the Crossmaxes and matching pads, they did a great job of slowing your forward motion, if not stopping completely.

Basket case. Provisions aren’t going to carry themselves, and while strapping shit on is ok, it’s not as quick as chucking everything in a basket while the choppers circle above. And then you strap it all in. Keep the essential spares separate in a seat bag for quick access in the trenches.

The cheap and easy way to go disc without messing up a classic frame. About 40 bucks on TradeMe, and keeps the wheel more secure as the skewer has to go through that little hole. A bit of filing work to clear the fat seatstays and we were in business. A serious Apocalypse bike should also show signs of a hard life, like an old Willys Jeep, so no-one wants to steal it.

 

Talk about bargains! I picked up the Mavic 317 Disc wheelset with rotors and skewers, a non-crappy Suntour Epixon fork, RaceFace bar and stem and an Avid BB5 caliper and lever for $50! If it does get stolen, then only the heart breaks, not the bank. Pretty tidy I must say. But aren’t V-brakes lighter, easier to set up and easier to work on? Yes, of course they are. So maybe some Arch Rivals and simpler wheels will find their way back onto this latest iteration of GAV.

I’m not a fan of coloured anything really, but these red Novatec hubs roll nicely and are usually a reliable unit, and were what was on the bargain wheelset so that’s what’s what. 9mm QR skewers, quick, easy, tool-less, reliable, proven. These no-name black things have since been upgraded to some sweet silver XT units, the ultimate skewers this side of a shish-kabob.

fizik saddles are my trusted perches, and the Nisene came on some other bike I acquired, and the colour sparkles and changes in the sun, maybe not the best if under cover and trying to avoid the choppers above. Saddle bag is a Birzman, once again from some other bike purchase, and had a multi-tool and tyre levers inside. The Velcro does stick, mostly.

Kore blimey, these pedals are cheap, tough and reliable, so far. I have fitted several pairs on several bikes now, and they are loved by all those who stand on them.

MAGA: Mastering Apocalyse Gulag Absconsion.

The headset came from a broken alloy Marin I picked up for $20, which has also supplied an XT 9sp drivetrain, BBB stem and Titec bars for another build. Repurposing and on-selling is an Apocalypse survival method I’ve mastered.

A Honda postie bike rack from my mate, chopped and mounted with rack stays, solid as. A useless ocky strap that has just about lost any vestige of ockiness, but still straps.

9 is fine. An 11-36 cassette paired with 44/36/22 chainrings will do everything from high to low, and you just know that old Shimano stuff is Apocalypse rated.

Ritchey Kyote bars were on a bargain table when the LBS was closing down, and they are pretty damn comfy and functional. Alloy of course, carbon is not known to repel blows from baton-weilding jab-bots.

Ok, it’s a battery powered light, and will probably give me trouble.

The GAV is the most verstaile bike one can own, and also the most fun. This gets ridden everywhere, down to the bottlo, to the markets, on gravel rides, it gets strapped to the van for road trips and has seen most of the country without ever letting me down. It’s an ever-evolving canvas, and doesn’t look like this anymore as I write. I have another identical frame waiting to be built, possibly as an XC styled MTB, or maybe a 26″ dropbar Gravmonster/Tomac inspired type of deal, with Campag 10sp shifters mixed with Shimano 8sp drivetrain, a la Ron. That’s the best thing about impending doom, not giving a fuck about fashion and prioritising function leads to, well, wherever you end up.